A satirical (arche)typology, part two
Last week’s seven demons and imps will get some company here. Don’t forget: should they bother you, laugh them off. They, like many annoying people too, might poof when they hear laughter
The Monetary Magnifier (Category: Demon)
Not only is she the only Witch with successful money spells, she is also willing to share them with you. For a small compensation, of course. You see? They work. And will increase her savings as they decrease yours. Her majicqal Zirqle (or something like that, orthography is for the less enlightened) is on Ebay and in the classified advertising sections of some “spiritual” journals. And of course on her own registered users only website for a monthly fee of several bucks. So much wisdom to gain for so small a fee! Go on, create an account already, Paypal and credit cards accepted!
The Cynical Bastard (Category: Demon, if you ask most people)
He’s such a bad-ass that he doesn’t deserve an alliteration like the others. He always has something to nag about, usually it has something to do with what is important to others like the most recent sighting of the Invisible Pink Unicorn or circular logic and its oh so great benefits or why quantum physics aren’t arbitrary while being undetermined. He annoys the hell out of people, as long as hell translates to fpbs, which means fluffy pink brain substitutes. You see, this is a pretty unpleasant person. Oh. Oops. There it is, our alliteration.
The Most Mighty Magician (Category: Imp. But don’t let her start!)
The first thing you notice about her might be her insisting that she is the only one far and wide performing “real” magic. Perhaps she is a Shaman, perhaps she is a Wiccan, perhaps she is a ceremonial magician. (In this case she might prefer to be called a “High Magickian” as opposed to lowly impostors or so. Whatever.) If you so much as hint that your idea of magic (if applicable) may be influenced by scientific concepts like psychology for example, she will scoff at you, your delusions and lack of power. Ignoring her after that won’t result in her stopping to go on and on about it, but it won’t result in her cursing you either. Perhaps she tried, but in that case her magic failed on your magic. Make of that what you will, you might point out to her.
The Monastic Mystic (Category: Impish)
If you have met a Monastic Mystic, you will surely remember him. He likes hooded robes more than any other Witch or Wiccan or magician you have met so far. They use to be grey or brown or black and are belted with a thick hemp cord. His hands rest folded in front of his solar plexus and he often wears a sententious smile. Guess what? I just confused some of the letters and typed slime instead. Funny coincidence, isn’t it? Be this as it may, you won’t likely find this one dancing ecstatically around a bonfire or laughing loudly over bawdy jokes, but oozing his spiritual behaviour all over the place. To be honest, muffling some of the wilder ongoings and reminding everyone else that there is more to Pagan religions than just partying won’t hurt so much, will it?
The Rabid Reconstructionist (Category: Demon. Usually with strings attached, political ideology, cultural hatred and similar)
This one can be outright dangerous. He thinks you shouldn’t be allowed to worship the Gods of his culture because only he himself and similar people can honour them like they deserve. Everyone else, especially ethnically and culturally different people, insult them with their mere existence, making it even worse when trying to worship them. Often he doesn’t follow his path because he was called to, but because it fits into his weird idea of being superior – which itself tends to spring from not getting his life sorted out. This of course is none of his faults, as he has none, but your fault alone. Or the Christians’s. Or everyone else’s… This assumed fact he likes to “prove” in demonstrations (mostly in militaristic attire) or on Youtube. Surprisingly, those videos don’t tend to stay on line for long. Perhaps his Gods don’t approve of their contents.
The Curser of Christians (Category: Depends on whether this is just a short phase while cutting the cord to bad experiences. Which doesn’t imply that it would ever be okay, by the way.)
He is the one most likely to tell a really bad light bulb joke, one about not needing to change anything, because a certain building is giving enough light already. Most Pagans won’t laugh. Neither would anyone else, were they in hearing range. His understanding of history is limited to “the Christians are to blame” and “the Christians only want to eradicate us”. So certain is he in his convictions that he won’t even waver if confronted with solid evidence, in which case he is related to the Rabid Reconstructionist, although he might be as eclectic as chaos itself. Draw hope, should he be interested in your disproof, as this might be a sign of old wounds finally scabbing over and getting in touch with reality again.
The Relative Revionist (Category: Imp. Quaint to some, annoying to others)
If you suggest offering Hecate Marmite and ask her to bless your love life, she will not object. Neither would she find anything questionable about the idea of inviting Loki to help you with your tax return. The Relative Revisionist doesn’t care much about tradition and myth, but about her personal freedom to do whatever she wants and to call that her religion. Other Pagans might think that she just doesn’t want to think stuff through, as that can be pretty exhausting, and seeks for something easily digestible instead, something that doesn’t include any serious work, any difficult times, any commitment or any real finding out how things are and work and fit together. Candy, in other words. But that’s her problem, isn’t it?
This is it for now. Hopefully you had a good time reading here, and perhaps you also learned something new. Maybe there will be more in the future. That depends on my excursions into the twilight of the broader Pagan community and what happens there that strikes me as needing some making fun of. Dear readers, if you have any suggestions, don’t hesitate to tell me in a comment and I will give my very best to include them into the next part of the impish menagerie! Hail Baubo!